I never thought this would be a part of my life’s journey. But I went to heaven the other day. Actually, it was Saturday, January 23rd 2016 to be exact. I promise to share every detail with you if you do me a favor. Believe.
The last couple of months had been hard. Matter of fact the last six months had been the worst. Everything that could go wrong had actually gone wrong. My car was a wreck, I was behind in my bills, my son’s father had lost his job again which meant I was stuck yet again having to take care of all my son’s bills. And on top of all of that I was scheduled for surgery, my job was more stressful than ever and I couldn’t breath. No really, I seriously felt like I couldn’t breath. And as many witnessed my fall from “always in control” to “absolute destruction” I felt the world caving in.
So I lost it. Yes really, I actually lost it. My mind that is. My breathing was worst than ever. Going up steps had become a chore. My doctor thought my heart was enlarged. And as I attempted to grab hold of my spinning world I tripped and fell hard. I would find myself in a nearby hospital shaking, crying hysterically, and unable to move my legs and arms; paralyzed with fear. How did this happen to someone that is so with it, so together?
So the funny thing is; according to my new counselor my break was because I was trying to keep it all together for so long and had lost. It’s really unnatural I see now to try and control everything. It’s exhausting. It took about a month to regain myself. A month to breath normally again. A month to return to work. Exactly two weeks before I entered heaven.
I returned to work without a fuss. No party. No big welcome. Just slid in the side door pretending to be better. I was a little better but never really the same. Somehow, I was more aware of my feelings than before. This may have been the reason that on the night of January 23rd I found myself in heaven.
After wrapping up a few housekeeping to-do’s I headed to bed. It was about 10:30 pm. I’m unsure what time I actually drifted off but I found myself on a large school bus soon after.
It was yellow, I remember. Traditional school bus yellow with an nontraditional driver; my aunt. Yes, my mother’s only sister. The people on the bus with us were friends from my past that I hadn’t seen in awhile. The bus was driving really fast. Not like 90 mph fast but above the speed limit. I was very aware that we were moving quickly along a road.
The swift moving yellow bus approached an over pass. There was a man there with St. Louis Cardinals hat and jersey on dancing on the side of the street. We were all from St. Louis but it was just a really odd sight so I said “Hey you guys? Did you see that guy back there in the Cardinals uniform dancing?” My aunt said “No, let’s go back and see!” So she swung the bus around. Now remember he was the over pass dancing? The bus approached the over pass moving quickly but somehow my aunt missed a slight turn and over the side of the over pass we went!!
There was a moment when the bus was nosediving that we all knew seemingly at the same time that we were going to die. I remember thinking ” I can’t believe this is how I die.” We were in shock. Maybe we were screaming or maybe we weren’t. We all braced for the end. But something odd happened. At the moment of impact there wasn’t one. There was no fire or screaming, no awful scene of blood and death. At the very moment when we crashed it was like we blinked and were in heaven.
But I need to explain the “we”. I could tell I was in heaven and I could tell I was with people that I knew but they weren’t actually the people from the bus for sure. This is hard to explain. Basically, I had a really warm feeling of love and comfort unlike anything I’ve ever known before. It was all encompassing. I felt like I was surrounded by people I knew, that loved me, that we all loved each other but when I looked at there faces I couldn’t say ” Hey James how are you?” It was a deeper knowing.
Heaven is a city. Well that’s how it appeared. A bustling city with people of all kinds going to and from. Everyone was happy. Not in a parade clown kind of happy. But in a deep inside contentment kind of happy. I remember saying I could just stay here and be safe forever. But then I remembered my son Mason. MASON!!! OMG what about Mason? I started to say. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t ready for this. I had to get back to my son. He still needed me.
No one was concerned about what I was saying. Not because they didn’t care but because no one had concerns! But I needed help. I wasn’t fearful but I was determined to get back. So I start to walk briskly through the city. I see an escalator but no one is on it. Someone important must be up there I reason. So I head up. Why wasn’t anyone else on the escalator I thought. Oh well, I need to see who’s in charge to help me get to Mason.
There was water. You should know that I am terrified of water due to a terrible accident as a child. But I wasn’t scared in heaven. The water ran up the escalator. Yes, up the escalator. I noted the water but I wasn’t wet at all. Finally, I get to the top.
At the top of the escalator was a desk. A regular brown office desk really maybe a little larger. Nothing extreme or super excessive. Someone is there at the desk. I start to plead my case to them about Mason. But there is something you have to know about the person at the desk…..I couldn’t see them.
There was an entity there. I was aware that we were having a conversation. But they were not a human person. Maybe a spirit or some kind of deity. It wasn’t GOD himself but maybe a worker of some kind. It wasn’t male or female. The thing is it didn’t even matter to me. I never seemed surprised by the being or lack of form. I was just pleading my case.
I was given a choice. I knew I was being given a choice to stay here in comfort or go back to an unsafe world. I finally said with both hands on the desk. I need to get back to Mason!
I woke up. Terrified and sweating. I called for my dog Bella. She was there. I cried and didn’t want to move. For days I said nothing of this to anyone. I was so scared it was so real. I can’t remember any other dream with such detail. But I decided to finally tell a friend at work and then share with the world.
I hugged my son so hard when I saw him. He was with his father the weekend I had the experience. What I believe is that I had a glimpse into heaven and I realize now that if something were to happen there is nothing to fear. Yet I also know that I’m not ready for that part of life yet. I’ve still got a lot of living and forgiving to do.